| life & entertainment | Tuesday, March 7 |
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By Brad Buchholz
American-Statesman Staff
Tuesday, March 7, 2000
I'm tossing in my sleep, dreaming about a television show. I see gaudy lights and two chairs in a circus ring. A studio audience cheers on cue. There's a burst of synthetic sound. And now comes a peppy man named Regis, exclaiming: "It's time to play 'Who wants to be a mill-ion-aire!' . . ."
Regis: Tonight we welcome a new guest into the "hot seat" -- a "Mr. Socrates." Allow me to say, sir, that those are some very snappy sandals that you're wearing! Now. It says here in your biography that you're from, uh . . . Why don't you explain it for us, big fella?
Socrates: I haven't been around for a while, Regis. But you might think of me as "a citizen of the world."
Regis: Our producers tell me, Socrates, that you've always had a certain fascination with questions and answers. Does this mean you grew up watching "Jeopardy!"?
Socrates: To be honest, Regis, I've never seen your show. But when I heard that there was an American television program devoted exclusively to the quest for knowledge -- a show that actually celebrated and rewarded guests who displayed a certain measure of wisdom -- well, I just had to see it for myself. What a wonderful example for American children! Regis, my dear friend: How shall we begin this quest, this grand discourse?
Regis: Question No. 1, Socrates, for $100: Which of the following would you most likely find on Old McDonald's farm? A. Cow. B. Vanilla Ice. C. TV funnyman Bob Saget. D. Mayor McCheese.
Socrates: Regis, I'm not sure that I understand. . . .
Regis: Question No. 2, for $200: This famous Italian genius painted the Mona Lisa: A. Leonardo da Vinci. B. Darryl Strawberry. C. TV funnyman Bob Saget. D. Topo Gigio.
Socrates: Perhaps we should talk for a minute. . . .
Regis: Question No. 3, for $300: The popular TV show "The Streets of San Francisco" was filmed in what city? A. Hong Kong. B. . . .
Socrates: Do you believe it wise, Regis, to equate "correct" answers here with real knowledge? If so, what must it say about a culture that rewards people who possess such "expertise" with large amounts of money?
Regis: Question No. 4, for $500: When an automobile moves in reverse, in which direction is it heading? A. Skyward. B. . . .
Socrates: Regis! Are there no difficult questions on this show?
Regis: What's wrong, Socrates? Don't you want to be a millionaire? Question 5, for $4,000: Who was it who said: "He is richest who is content with least, for content is the wealth of nature."?
Socrates: I believe I said that once, Regis.
Regis: Wow. I wonder how that one got in there. Question 6, for $8,000: What man once said: "The Delphic oracle said I was the wisest of all the Greeks. It is because that I alone, of all the Greeks, know that I know nothing."?
Socrates: Well, that would be me again. But wasn't it Lao-Tzu and Confucius who speculated, as well, that true wisdom is connected to a humble understanding of how little we really know?
Regis: I don't know, Socrates. I'm not sure.
Socrates: Is that to say, Regis, that this would be your final answer?
Regis: You baffle me, Socrates. But what a fantastic name you have! A single word brings you to life to everyone in the world. You're like Madonna. Or Prince. Or Regis!
Socrates: Still, I wonder: In this modern age, where is the substance behind such celebrity? I have long thought, Regis, that "the shortest and surest way to live with honor in the world is to be in reality what we would appear to be. . . . "
Regis: What a hoot you are, Socrates! Just wait till I introduce you to Kathie Lee! Now. Question 7, for $16,000: Which of the following is a member of the famous singing group known as The Spice Girls? A. "Happy" Spice. B. "Wealthy" Spice. C. "Clueless" Spice. D. "Scary" Spice.
Socrates: Regis, I'm through. I believe it was the Athenian, Crates, who said, "One part of knowledge consists in being ignorant of such things as are not worthy to be known."
Regis: But Socrates! You still have all your lifelines! Why not poll our studio audience! Don't you want to call a friend? Don't you want to play? Socrates! Socrates. . . . come back!
You may contact Brad Buchholz at bbuchholz@statesman.com or call 445-
2967.